thoughts that come in the middle of the night

One of the great things about having a little baby is that you don’t get much uninterrupted sleep. Yeah, that may seem to be a downside to the whole baby thing, but I try to view it as a positive: it gives me more time to think.

Last night, or should I say early this morning, I had a fair amount of time to think, as Nolan decided to have wicked bad gas. I had fed him at 3:30, early enough as it is, and he woke himself up an hour and a half later with wicked gas. After Becky got up and fed him, to see if that might “move things along,” she headed back to bed and I decided to stay up to make sure that he didn’t wake her up again.

In between bouts of nodding off with mini-me in my arms I got to think. I got to pray. i got to do all the ‘spiritual’ type things that I want to do during the day but somehow find an excuse to put off for more ‘important’ things. At one point I woke up with this Drive-By Truckers song in my head. It’s an anti-war song from the vantage point of a soldier. A gutsy move, yes, by the band, but more than that, it got me to thinking about how, in a broken, fallen, and complex world, everything that we do is riddled with uncertainty. There is not one second of any day in which we don’t feel the tension between the poles of sure:not-sure.

The ultimate end of such uncertainty is death. If one does not find ways to deal with the tension then it will in the end consume them. You see, uncertainty breeds fear, fear breeds despair, and the logical end of despair is death. Without hope that there is an answer to the tension we give up. It doesn’t matter how large or small the perceived issue is, if left to wallow it will, like the black hole in the new Star Trek movie I saw yesterday, consume everything around it. When one reaches the event horizon of despair the only answer is death.

If that seems to be a rather morbid thought to have while holding my boy in the new morning light, with is soft breath gently gliding over my arm, and his arms wrapped around my chest, then I guess you’ll have to get to know me a little better. Those kinds of thoughts are never far from the front of my mind. Sin has corrupted everything and, apart from the good news of the world’s renewal brought about by Jesus, there is no answer. “I am making all things new”

Our world is drowning in despair and we have the only answer. Thinking about being a pastor to a world of death is frightening, but I’ve got to keep it on my mind. To forget the pain is to enter into the happy Christian bubble. To forget the hope is to become like those I am trying to help. Faithfulness is a fine line.


One thought on “thoughts that come in the middle of the night

  1. You stated something that hit me. I always wrestled with Paul’s statement, “…to pray without ceasing..” I too have been blown away about how that is possible. Especially, when I work, teach Sharon (more like she teaches me) or Quentin, write on your blog, etc.. As God being totally Sovereign, He and only He provides these opportunities. I have been trying to create these opportunities and because I am not sovereign (go figure), I have always given up to a scheduled prayer time for the most part.

    I thank God for your honesty to tell about your life in your own way. I should not be so judgemental on when or how much but rest in Him in all things so that I may pray when “Jehovah Provides” the time.

    Tight work.


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